The depressed mom

Lately I haven’t been the best mom ever, but you can’t tell my kids that. I  have been lazy, unmotivated and disconnected. But when they see me they make me feel accomplished to a certain degree just by their love. I see a Psychiatrist, I’m on medication but still that melancholy feeling is always there when I get home, to say the least I could use a maid and laundry service but I can’t afford that. Today my anxiety is lower I am actually more moody than anything. I just need to hone in on what is really present right now and how I can change my attitude, my situations, my thoughts. Thank God the children have another parent that is engaging with them while I’m on this binge this sad, awful depressing binge. Maybe I need a vacation? Maybe this is the last day of the binge and I’ll wake up happy, who knows what tomorrow brings…day…by….day….




Losing my dad at 30 years old.

I never thought the day would come so fast where I had to sit next to my mom in all white and funeralize my father. But that day came on 4/25/2017. My father wasn’t an ordinary person but he was an extraordinary person. Every person  he came in contact with left thinking of his infectious smile or the humorous story he just told. Michael Anthony Billups was 58 when he passed away I am 30. I do believe that God is in control of all things which is why I can write about his life and how he affected me, his family and friends and people who didn’t even know him. Close to 600 people paid their respects to him as well as a countless number of Verizon employees who’s live’s were impacted by him. I don’t feel sorry for myself anymore I feel horrible for my children.  He was the light of their lives, took them everywhere he could, lakes with his boat, Hershey park, Lancaster train, Disney World you name it! I remember our last hug right outside of GG’s house and you told me to be good as always. And I never saw you again alive. I want to make you happy but the problem is that the life that I am living right now is not making me as happy as I now I can be. With God on my side, my mother and strength I will continue this journey to happiness without my father because he gave me all the essentials to make sure I did what was on my heart. He wasn’t pushy and didn’t give any unwanted or bad advice he mostly let us learn on our own and was always there to pick up the pieces, now I have to pick up my own pieces.

I love you dad